Thursday, February 18, 2010
wow, I don't even know what this is about
so, its been a little while and a lot has happened since I last wrote. wow, I have really fucked up lately. sometimes i just hate myself. I broke up with Jerad, which was so good!!!!!!!!! He was no good for me. I had a lot of fun but he just wasn't right for me. But since then, I have just been running around from guy to guy. I just want love. what the hell is the matter with me???? I am completely happy being single but for some reason my heart hates me. It wants to love. I can't stop it. My heart is in pieces even though my mind is happy. I think it is weird to have your body parts fighting against each other. Am I making any sense? probably not and that's ok. I am who I am. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time but honestly I don't know where I would go to start over. back to before Chris? It was after him that I started going all crazy and stuff. But when I was mormon, I prayed about it and I felt so strongly that I needed to be with him. Is God even real? Did he want me to be fucked up? Did he want me to go crazy about boys? If he is real, he knew I was boy crazy. I am not stronger than my body. My mind is always churning on what boy can I get to know and maybe like and maybe date..... I HATE IT! I give myself to these boys because I want them to like me. What the fuck am I thinking?? Even though jerad and I were no good, I wish I was still with him. He calmed me down and I was faithful to him. I thought I loved him. It started going downhill after christmas. I'm actually surprised we stayed together for as long as we did after that. I can't believe the decisions I have made. Do I really like Hunter? He made this whole big dinner thing for Valentine's day and I went to some other dude's place to watch a movie. i didn't even know him!! worst decision of my life probably. I love Hunter probably for good. But maybe it just wasn't meant to be. ya know?But I kind of like this other guy....you know I just realized.... I HATE GUYS AND I HATE MYSELF. Why do I have to have a guy to be happy?? I need to get out of this fucking town. seriously. I am getting ready to just kill myself. I hate it here. I know I can't run away from everything here but I really feel like a fucked up little loser. Why couldn't God just give me a guy. a good guy who would love me no matter what before this? I've already had a hard life. Why do I have to keep getting shitcanned? Now I am just ranting about nothing. I am just a whiny little bitch. I feel stupid. I do not have it that bad I just think I do. But you know what? fuck it! This is my blog and I can say what I want. Its like my own little journal. I'm leaving this town. I need new people, new boys, new school, new major, new life. I hate myself and all of my stupid ass shit that I do everyday! I am going to make myself happy. done and done. I am going to go watch butterfly effect. Maybe I can get lost in the characters and forget about myself for a whole 2 hours. That would be awesome.