dun dun dun dun!!!!

Here it is!!! a new post!!! It has been a year exactly since I last wrote!! A lot has happened. I found the love of my life, lost a few friends, have a few new dreams, and am truly happy for the first time in my life. :) life couldn't be more perfect.

you make my dreams come true

I am going to dance to that song at my wedding. DOWN THE ISLE!!!!!!!!!!

hey!!

yeah, I said it!

wow, I don't even know what this is about

so, its been a little while and a lot has happened since I last wrote. wow, I have really fucked up lately. sometimes i just hate myself. I broke up with Jerad, which was so good!!!!!!!!! He was no good for me. I had a lot of fun but he just wasn't right for me. But since then, I have just been running around from guy to guy. I just want love. what the hell is the matter with me???? I am completely happy being single but for some reason my heart hates me. It wants to love. I can't stop it. My heart is in pieces even though my mind is happy. I think it is weird to have your body parts fighting against each other. Am I making any sense? probably not and that's ok. I am who I am. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time but honestly I don't know where I would go to start over. back to before Chris? It was after him that I started going all crazy and stuff. But when I was mormon, I prayed about it and I felt so strongly that I needed to be with him. Is God even real? Did he want me to be fucked up? Did he want me to go crazy about boys? If he is real, he knew I was boy crazy. I am not stronger than my body. My mind is always churning on what boy can I get to know and maybe like and maybe date..... I HATE IT! I give myself to these boys because I want them to like me. What the fuck am I thinking?? Even though jerad and I were no good, I wish I was still with him. He calmed me down and I was faithful to him. I thought I loved him. It started going downhill after christmas. I'm actually surprised we stayed together for as long as we did after that. I can't believe the decisions I have made. Do I really like Hunter? He made this whole big dinner thing for Valentine's day and I went to some other dude's place to watch a movie. i didn't even know him!! worst decision of my life probably. I love Hunter probably for good. But maybe it just wasn't meant to be. ya know?But I kind of like this other guy....you know I just realized.... I HATE GUYS AND I HATE MYSELF. Why do I have to have a guy to be happy?? I need to get out of this fucking town. seriously. I am getting ready to just kill myself. I hate it here. I know I can't run away from everything here but I really feel like a fucked up little loser. Why couldn't God just give me a guy. a good guy who would love me no matter what before this? I've already had a hard life. Why do I have to keep getting shitcanned? Now I am just ranting about nothing. I am just a whiny little bitch. I feel stupid. I do not have it that bad I just think I do. But you know what? fuck it! This is my blog and I can say what I want. Its like my own little journal. I'm leaving this town. I need new people, new boys, new school, new major, new life. I hate myself and all of my stupid ass shit that I do everyday! I am going to make myself happy. done and done. I am going to go watch butterfly effect. Maybe I can get lost in the characters and forget about myself for a whole 2 hours. That would be awesome.

This Christmas

so, my choir sang a song, well an arrangement of silent night and I got really into the Christmas spirit, I wanted to go caroling. It never happened haha. But this Christmas I have found that I have been missing my mom a lot. I just want her here with me. I wish that I could have conversations with her as an adult not just as a kid to a mom. She was an amazing person. Kind and generous and now everyday, I am going to strive to be more like her :) I gotten woken up twice in the middle of the night last night to go save the day but only did once. I got to spend the morning with Nikki and watched her walk around naked or rather in panties and a santa hat. It was very cute!! Took her to work and came over and slept for about an hour with my new love Jerad. I woke him up and we opened presents. I got him a fleece tied blanket, spongebob scrubbies and a shirt with my face on it. He got me headphones and a spiderman wallet!! I was super excited. I got a little sad after because my stupid douche ex Chris got me headphones just like them and I gave him a shirt two years ago. He broke up with me two months after that right before Valentine's Day. I just got sad and nervous. I really really like and possibly love Jerad and I don't want to ever be without him. It took me a minute but I told him what was wrong and he kissed me and told me that he wasn't a douche and wouldn't ever do any of the thing Chris did to me and still does to me to this day. Jerad really is amazing. I don't know how I got so lucky. I don't unerstand why he loves me but he does and he just thinks the world of me. I love him. But today, I am going to my parents, he said he would go with me but then realized that his mom would be alone for Christmas so he isn't sure if he wants to leave her. So we'll see and then tonight, Nikki and I are going to rock out with some alky!!!!! our boyfriends will be there but it is mostly going to be about us...haha :) But so far Christmas sucks but it will get better...lets hope!!!

new

So, I have a new guy in my life. I think that he will be sticking for a little while :) I really like him. His name is Jerad. He is so sweet to me. He makes me feel incredible every day. We just got over the cute phase I think. We are still cute but its getting a little more normal now. I got a new iPod yesterday!! pumped!! I have a kitty named Raven. She is adorable and I love her. I want to take her to my mom's house a lot but she makes me feel good when she is there. I still love and cherish my best friends Keely and Nikki. There has been a new addition to our group, Alex. He is AMAZING!!!! He fits right in and it just works. He loves us too!! So, a lot of stuff is happening. I can't wait to be done with school. Only 2 weeks!! wow, I can't believe it!! Anyway, that's all. :) I'll keep you updated from here on out on how everything works out

list of rules

I made a list of rules in my life. My friends are always telling me to be careful to people and to be careful in what I do because I change my mind so much. Well, I decided to change that. I am sick of being the one who doesn't know what she wants. who can't make a set decision to save her life. I know its not their fault, I truly am that way. I just always think or rather want the grass to be greener on the other side. so here is my list of rules for my life...

1. I believe that heaven is somewhere I can be truly happy with the people that I love and that love me.

2. I believe that anyone can have a connection with another person not depending on whether it is a girl or boy.

3. I am always fighting with myself over religion. Whether I am going to be mormon or not. Well, I have decided that I am not. I don't live it and I am just wasting my time trying. I should be happy and I think God will love me no matter what.

4. I am not going to have sexual relations with anyone until I have been dating them for a couple of months. I get attached too quickly and I am going to put a stop to that. Also, I will not be used for someone else to get off on.

5. I will never leave my friends for a boy ever again. I have hurt others and been hurt so badly before. It is not worth it.

6. I am willing to date a guy that drinks but not one that drinks all the time. One that is not an alcoholic. and I don't really want alcohol around my kids. If I marry a guy that drinks, he can go to the bars or do other means to drink it. I don't want it in my fridge.

7. I want to be a choir teacher. I am going to set that. I will get my degree and then if I change my mind after that. So be it. But I will get my degree.

I can't think of any of the other ones but if I do, I will post them. I am not going to be wishy washy anymore. I know what I want in life now and I am going to do it.

Love, Em :)